За прошедшую неделю я ничего не делала, кроме как взахлёб читала разные вкусности...
Манга - это конечно хорошо, но новеллы вдвойне круче
Вообще я только несколько дней назад познакомилась с такого рода японской литературой, поэтому немного увлеклась.
Просто до этого не думала, что такое есть, а когда откопала оторваться не смогла.
Даже про все остальные соц.сетя забыла
Вот что значит: захотелось чего-то почитать
Дочитываю уже не первое произведение... Одна из немногих жарких сцен:
читать дальше“You have my deepest apologies! I really should have contacted you sooner…!” the assistant manager apologized profusely, tipping his body into a sharp bow at the waist. Apparently the manager with whom Yokozawa had scheduled his meeting had been called away on urgent business and was unavailable when he arrived. It seemed they’d tried contacting the office, and Henmi had taken a message and called Yokozawa’s cell phone, but he hadn’t noticed and wound up coming to the store anyway.
“Not at all—I’m at fault as well for not confirming properly. Shall we try this meeting again next week? I’ll decide on the details of the date and time later.”
“Of course, thank you! I’m really sorry you came all the way down here for nothing today.” The assistant manager ducked his head again as Yokozawa left the comics floor.
Exiting the building, he noted that it was still rather light outside—and reflected that he should have invited Kirishima out. His talk with Iokawa wouldn’t last too long, so maybe he should call him up now.
He’d been avoiding Kirishima for the past few days, due in part to how busy he was with work these days, but also because he hadn’t yet decided how best to start the conversation. Just as his thoughts began to wander, though, the phone clenched in his hand buzzed to life, alerting an incoming call. A quick glance at the screen told him it was from the office.
“Yes, Yokozawa speaking.”
”Ah, this is Henmi! I’m sorry for calling you so many times! Umm, actually—about Marimo-san—”
“I just left; seems the manager had some urgent business to attend to.”
”Oh no! I guess I was too late…”
“Don’t sweat it. I’m at fault too for not realizing you’d called.” He’d probably received the call while being held up by Iokawa—the worst possible timing. “I was planning on heading straight home—unless you needed me back at the office?” He’d made sure to take care of all his own tasks before heading out, but there were always irregularities.
”I think it’s fine for you to just take off for the day. There are a few items that need your confirmation, but they can all wait until Monday.”
“Then I’ll leave the rest to you. If you need anything, send me a text.”
”Roger! Well, good work today!”
Henmi’s bright, chipper voice tended to make all of the worries plaguing Yokozawa seem ridiculous. The guy could be kind of a flake at times, but Yokozawa envied him his cheery demeanor and had found himself indebted to his subordinate on a number of occasions.
“…Guess it’s time to head out…” Pulling himself together, he headed for the cafe where Iokawa was waiting—a chain shop with a window facing a well-traveled street. He glanced inside, seeing that Iokawa had taken a seat along the counter at the window, then stepped inside. It was bustling and rather packed, with several customers lined up for to-go orders.
Truthfully, it wasn’t the kind of place Yokozawa would have chosen to converse. If they were going to talk, it might be best to change locations—but now that he was here, he couldn’t just leave without ordering something, so he took a place in line and ordered a cup of coffee before heading over to Iokawa.
“My apologies for the wait.”
“Huh? That was rather quick.” Iokawa had been immersed in a book, clearly expecting Yokozawa to take longer than he had.
“The person I was meeting had some emergency business to attend to, so we decided to reschedule.”
“I see. It seems you came out here for nothing, then. Though it was quite a lucky break for me at least.”
Yokozawa elected not to respond to the comment, instead silently bringing his coffee to his lips. “………” Now, the question was how to start. While he already knew the answer he wanted to deliver and therefore had no cause to dither about on that point, Iokawa’s attitude from a few days back suggested that he was not only loath to give up, he was quite sharp as well. Yokozawa had initially pegged him as something of an airhead, but that seemed nothing more than a mask now. If that wasn’t the case, he wouldn’t have picked up on Yokozawa’s and Kirishima’s relationship so easily.
“So, have you read any good books lately?”
“Huh?”
“My favorite authors are all slow to release, so it can take ages for them to publish anything new, and I’m nearly finished with this book, so I thought I might pick up something on my way home.”
Thrown a bit by the question delivered out of the blue, Yokozawa strained to recall the pieces he’d read recently. “There’s Usami-sensei…but then, I suppose you’ve already read everything of his. What about Sumi-sensei? The period piece he just published through Onodera Shuppan was quite enjoyable.” He had quite a few favorite authors, but he tended to only recommend the popular ones to others. The fact that their works sold so well spoke of how much their writing appealed to the masses.
“I see…a period piece, huh… I’m not too good with historical novels, so I tend to avoid them, but this might be a good opportunity to give one a try! I can’t go wrong with a recommendation from you, after all.”
Iokawa showed no signs of ceasing his mindless small talk, seemingly intent on not allowing Yokozawa to give him his “answer”. “…Iokawa-san, I’m quite sure this is not the kind of conversation you invited me here for.”
“…Yes, you’re right. My apologies. I just got a bit carried away being able to have tea with you,” he admitted, a wry smile coming to his lips.
Yokozawa would have preferred they have this conversation elsewhere, but after deciding it was better not to drag this out unnecessarily, he decided to say his piece. The cafe was still bustling with life, but no one was paying them particular attention. “…About the other day—”
“You can have longer to think about it, if you like,” Iokawa interrupted, evidently hoping to put off letting Yokozawa say what he wanted to say.
“No—I’ve already made my decision.”
“Have you, then?”
“……” His breath caught in his throat as Iokawa fixed his gaze on him, seeming to peer straight through his eyes, as if seeking out the very worries and concerns dogging Yokozawa’s steps these days.
He hadn’t lied; he did already know how he wanted to respond to Iokawa—hadn’t needed any time to think on it. What he wasn’t sure about…was where he stood. His gut feelings and the thoughts in his head just refused to sync. Iokawa might very well be trying to take advantage of that to unsettle Yokozawa.
“…Are you sure you wouldn’t like to try it? Just once?”
“Huh?”
“Returns are, of course, accepted—I’m sure there’s a lot about me that you may find unacceptable. But—for that very reason, I’d like at least a chance to make my case. Let’s see…why don’t we just start off as friends?” Iokawa had slipped right into a sales-pitch-style approach.
“I’m sorry—but I just can’t do that. I think we shouldn’t meet privately like this anymore.”
“So we can’t even just start off as friends?”
“I can’t act in bad faith.”
But even this curt, direct response elicited a smile from Iokawa. “I’m quite fond of this serious, awkward side to you, you know.”
“……” It struck him here that Kirishima had said something similar before. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy having aspects of his personally he’d believed to be shortcomings actually praised, but whether or not that was enough to shift his feelings was another matter entirely.
Reflecting on it now…he probably never would have fallen for Kirishima if he hadn’t been the one to initiate their liaison—but he hadn’t fallen in love just from having affection one-sidedly heaped upon him. Yokozawa loved him because he’d been drawn to the man himself.
The human heart was at once simple and complex; human nature in and of itself was rife with inconsistencies—and he’d never been faced with his own emotions like this until he’d met Kirishima. He’d worn an armored suit of irritation for all to see to distract from the true feelings he kept hidden deep in his heart. But no longer.
“It doesn’t have to be right away—I’ll wait as long as it takes.”
“No—regardless of how long you wait, I’ll never be able to return your feelings.” Iokawa just would not give up, and Yokozawa groped for some way to put him off. “I’ll wait” sounded innocent enough on the surface, but it meant he would just be lurking about hoping Yokozawa’s relationship with Kirishima would come to an end. In that sense, it wasn’t a very nice notion at all.
“Then does that mean you’ve made a decision about your future?”
“—!” His gaze faltered when Iokawa brought up his “future”. So he had realized that there was still doubt and uncertainty lurking in Yokozawa’s heart after all…
“I’m perfectly fine being your ‘insurance.’ Just keep me in a little corner of your mind, that’s all I ask.” The hand he’d had resting on the counter shifted to cover Yokozawa’s own—
But just as he suppressed a shudder, a hand grabbed him by the shoulder to forcibly drag him away from Iokawa.
“……?!” Yokozawa was dumbstruck, utterly bewildered by what had just happened—and as he twisted around to face the person who’d just jerked him away…he met Kirishima, his hand still gripping Yokozawa by the shoulder and staring down at Iokawa with an expression cold as an arctic blast.
“…I distinctly recall telling you to go through me if you wanted to speak to this guy again.” His tone was detached and bland—but his gaze was frigid, no jokes peppering his conversation today.
But despite Kirishima radiating an aura that would’ve given even Yokozawa pause to speak, Iokawa countered easily, “Are you so very sure you have any right to demand as such?”
“I do. Seeing as he’s mine.”
“……!” Yokozawa’s face flushed beet red before Iokawa could respond—Kirishima’s comment had been completely out of the blue, leaving him next to no time to collect himself. Blushing and frozen stiff with shock at the declaration, it was only belatedly that he realized this was not the kind of conversation they ought to be holding in a public place, let alone a cafe near a business partner. He’d never live it down if someone he knew overheard them.
Kirishima ignored Yokozawa’s silent panic attack, though—not letting his problematic display stop at mere words. He grabbed Yokozawa’s hand in his own and dragged him out of the shop—hardly something two grown men ought to be doing and all the more outlandish for it.
“H—hey, think about where we are!” he hissed. What the hell was he thinking, resorting to this kind of thing in public?!
Kirishima ignored the warning. “Shut up. I’m afraid I’m not so nice a guy that I’m just gonna sit back and watch while some dick with less-than-pure intent tries to make a move on what’s mine.”
He now realized that when Kirishima had dragged him out of the cafe, he’d directed them away from the station. “Where the hell are we going?” His answer came when they drew to a stop at the entrance to a paid parking lot, and Kirishima used the remote on his key chain to unlock the door to his car, urging Yokozawa to get inside.
With no real grounds to refuse, he slid into the passenger seat without protest. It was never a good idea to disobey Kirishima when he was in one of his moods. “…Why do you have your car?”
“Because I drove it to the office.”
His childish response inspired a flash of irritation. “And I’m asking you why you did that.”
“Because I had something I wanted to pick up on the way home.” Likely something too unwieldy to carry by hand. It was hardly the response he’d been looking for, but he had bigger things to worry about just now.
“What the hell were you doing there in the first place?” Showing up with the timing he had suggested that Kirishima had been watching them.
“I heard where you were from Henmi and came after you—then when I spotted you driving past, I parked the car as soon as I could. Fucking hell—how many times do I have to tell you? Your armor’s full of chinks—so watch your ass! Don’t let him grab your hand!”
“I…I’m sorry…” He had nothing to say in response, and thus delivered an apology without protest. Looking back on the events that had just unfolded, he realized that Kirishima’s breathing had been somewhat labored as he’d stood being Yokozawa—which meant he’d run the whole way from the parking lot back to the cafe. The thought left him feeling more than a little awkward and uncomfortable.
“Your sincerity’s something to be applauded and all, but don’t you think you’re doing more harm than good by giving the other party hope?”
“That’s…” …probably right. Maybe he’d just wanted to soothe the guilt of not being able to return Iokawa’s feelings with a good show of sincerity. After all, he knew the pain of being spurned—which had been precisely why he’d been unable to put his foot down and be firm. Whether or not that was for the ultimate good of the other party, though…was a different matter.
Being waited for was difficult enough—but it had to be just as bad for the one doing the waiting. Iokawa might have claimed that he was fine waiting…but did it mean he was willing to go through all the pain and hardship that came with it?
What he’d been trying to do might have wound up as little more than a stopgap measure.
“And there’s one more thing I want to ask, too: you’re hiding something from me still, aren’t you…?”
“……!” Yokozawa’s words stilled in his throat at Kirishima’s sharp notice, and a cold sweat broke out over his palms.
“…Something happened, didn’t it? In the elevator. You’ve been acting weird ever since that day…”
It seemed he hadn’t been all that successful in hiding it, and gritting his teeth with the knowledge that he had no choice but to face the music—he wound up starting with an excuse. “Oh, that was…I mean, it was more like an accident really, just kind of caught me off guard…”
“I don’t need the introduction—spit it out already.”
He’d hoped to explain that he’d had no control over the situation, but that didn’t look like it was going to happen. “He…kissed me.”
It was just three little words, but that didn’t stop them from being unbearably shameful to admit.
Kirishima’s eyes went wide with shock at Yokozawa’s mumbled confession. “He—what?! What the hell were you thinking?!”
“It’s not like I could help it! I didn’t exactly have time to dodge something that came at me out of the blue!”
“This is what I mean when I say you’ve got chinks all over your armor! You—idiot! Why the hell would you go and have tea with someone who forced a kiss on you?! Just how much of a ‘nice guy’ can you be?!”
“………” When put like that…Yokozawa really had nothing to say in defense of himself. He probably had been doling out opportunities to take advantage of the moment left and right back then.
“…Wait, were you…actually hesitating…over that?”
“Huh?”
“Well—you’ve been kind of lost in thought lately. So I wondered if maybe…you might actually be thinking you…prefer him to me…”
“What the—as if! Where the hell did you get a ridiculous idea like that?!” It was now Yokozawa’s turn to be dumbfounded, appalled at the realization that the reason Kirishima had been so nosy lately was because he’d been entertaining thoughts like that.
Kirishima defended himself in the wake of Yokozawa’s shock over his misguided worry. “Well, you can be kind of a pushover sometimes! Plus—he’s closer to your age, and he doesn’t have a kid. And you looked like you had a lot in common, so I just thought…you know, maybe…”
“So what if we had common ground to chat on? Besides, you really think I can be all that picky about the people I discuss work with?”
“Then—what the hell have you been agonizing over these past few days?”
“…That’s…” He opened his mouth to respond, but then faltered, groping for the right phrasing. How could he word his argument to ensure that Kirishima properly understood his concerns? After a few long moments’ consideration, though, he began carefully, “I was thinking…about the ‘future’…”
This might be the perfect opportunity to really explain himself—and what he’d been thinking—fully. Even if the end result was the same, at least if it was a conclusion they’d come to together, he might be able to move past all this without any lingering regrets.
“The…future?” The bitter, torn expression on Kirishima’s face might have been put there by the dark tone of Yokozawa’s words.
“The ‘present’ is…really enjoyable right now; hell, I feel so happy, it’s like some luxury I shouldn’t be allowed to have. But—it can’t be like this forever…right?” It was a bit embarrassing putting his feelings into such frank language, but if he dithered over his wording now and resorted to vagueries, he probably couldn’t get his message across properly.
“…I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“What I’m saying—is that don’t you think it’s gonna start getting difficult…being together like this? In the future, I mean?”
“I didn’t mean I didn’t understand what the words meant. I meant I don’t understand why you’re saying them. Are you saying you want to break up?”
Yokozawa felt a coldness grip his chest at the words break up, and a chill enveloped his whole body, freezing him in place as a shudder roiled through him. When he spoke again to explain himself, his voice trembled. “Of course I don’t…want to break up. But—Hiyo’s growing up, and she’s gonna start noticing things. I can’t be hanging around, going in and out of your place like I am now forever.”
“…Wait, that’s what you’ve been angsting over?!” And instantly the tension built by Yokozawa’s confession was dispelled.
Yokozawa felt a flash of irritation at the relaxed reaction; he’d put his whole self out there just now! “Dammit, I’m being serious here!” It felt as if his genuine concerns were being dismissed without a care, and his voice rose in tone—but he cut himself off when Kirishima pulled the car off onto the shoulder and killed the engine. “Wh—what’re you…”
“Are you an idiot?”
“Wha—?!” A finger thrust into his face cut off his objections, though.
“Just so we’re clear here? I’m pretty damn shocked right now. You’ve just belittled not just me, but Hiyo, too!”
“—!!” He gulped guiltily at the sharp gaze Kirishima fixed upon him; was this how a frog felt when a snake had it in its sights?
“I plan on telling Hiyori everything eventually—not now of course, but some day. Didn’t I tell you before? I’m not raising a prejudiced child. And besides—did you seriously think she’d be shaken up by this kind of thing? I’m pretty sure she’s too good for that.” Kirishima delivered his reprimand in a soft voice.
“Still—there’s other people to worry about! If I keep dropping by your place like this, strange rumors might start cropping up. I couldn’t stand if people started talking shit about you or Hiyo!” Even if he hadn’t had to worry about Hiyori herself, there was still the public eye to be concerned with. If something were to happen and brought rude looks her way…it frightened Yokozawa just thinking about it.
“…I’m glad you care about us. But—what’s the point of always thinking the worst is gonna happen. Testing a bridge before you cross it is all well and good—but put it through too much stress and you’re gonna break it.”
“I can’t help it! This is the first time in my whole damn life I’ve ever had something so important to me!” He gaped in shock at the words coming from his own lips. He saw the Kirishimas as something precious to him; they were the first people he’d ever met that he’d wanted so badly to protect, when in the past he’d always been so forceful—and if he didn’t have any contact further contact with them, he could avoid hurting them. That was why he’d concluded that it was best to break things off.
“…You really are an idiot.” Kirishima’s tone as he spoke, though, was gentle, and despite the shock the words reflected, it carried an affectionate echo.
“…Shut up. It’s not like I don’t already know that.”
“I’ll admit—what you’re afraid of happening isn’t impossible, and sure, there might be some people out there who feel like being petty gossips. But—there are a hell of a lot of people who’d be on our side too, you know. Why do you think I’ve gone to such lengths to be all chummy with my neighbors?”
“Huh?” He balked at the sudden shift in topic to include affairs around the apartment complex.
Kirishima’s expression grew more serious, and he urged the still-quite-confused Yokozawa, “…Try being a little friendlier with the housewives, would you? Never underestimate the power of stay-at-home moms.”
“Uh…okay…?”
“Gossips don’t tend to keep a lot of decent friends around, so building up a circle of trust now should help in the long run.” It seemed that Kirishima had been doing a lot of thinking on this point in his own way, and Yokozawa felt more and more like an idiot for agonizing over this all on his own.
“Good grief; you’ll pull off the most audacious things in the office—but when it comes to your own private life, you’re just a big scaredy cat, aren’t you? All right—now’s your chance. Lay it all out for me. Anything else bugging you?”
Yokozawa’s chest tightened at the gentle gaze Kirishima fixed him with, as if watching over him, protective him. He bit back the wave of emotion that threatened to crest—and finally voiced the worry that had been plaguing him for so long: “…Are you sure? That you want me…?”
“…You have to ask that? After all this time? Though…yeah, I guess I get it. The kinds of things you feel like you still aren’t sure about after so long…are the ones that cause the most grief, huh?” Kirishima reflected, realizing he really didn’t have a leg to stand on, and a bitter smile rose to his lips. Love was precisely what caused these worries to crop up. And they probably could no longer escape them. “…You’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. It has to be you.”
His words, delivered so matter-of-factly, slipped soft and silent into Yokozawa’s heart, like raindrops soaking into parched earth. These had probably been the words he’d been so desperately yearning for.
They would likely face many more hurdles in the future—but they would not do so alone. They could worry about these things together. And that in and of itself would lead to the best possible conclusion.
“I have absolutely no intention of letting you go. There’s no other man who could make you happy—so just accept it already.”
“…Sure you aren’t getting a little full of yourself, there?” Yokozawa sniped in return, taken aback by Kirishima’s brilliant smile. He had a point though; Yokozawa was pretty sure the only man who could possible put up with someone with as irritating a personality as his was Kirishima.
“Well what about you? You’d better not be planning on making me do all the confessing here.” His gaze was starting to take on that familiar teasing glint, now—though Yokozawa understood well that Kirishima’s attempts to ruffle his feathers were merely one way he showed how much he cared, and despite finding the teasing rather irritating on the surface, he would never say he wholly disliked it.
“…I’m pretty sure I couldn’t live without you either.”
“Come again?”
And at Kirishima’s retort that was reminiscent of marketplace haggling, Yokozawa felt a sudden urge to tease well up within: “I love you.”
“—…what did you just say?”
“You heard me.”
“W—wait, I’m gonna record it this time, once more!” His fingers trembled with panic as he frantically pulled out his cell phone, leaving Yokozawa to reflect that this could very well be the first time he’d ever seen Kirishima so unsettled. Was it always this fun, tearing down a man usually oozing confidence and composure?
A sharp chuckle bubbled up unbidden from his throat. “Yeah right. As if you’d catch me ever saying that kind of thing twice.” After all, it wasn’t something he really could repeat; he’d suffered enough damage saying it the first time.
“That’s—cheating! Going for the throat when I wasn’t expecting it…” Typically the one on the losing side of these sorts of conversations, Yokozawa enjoyed the rare taste of victory, seeing how utterly frustrated Kirishima was by the situation. He’d probably wind up regretting it later, but he’d cross that bridge when he got to it.
“Hey, you don’t own the patent on pulling shit on others when they aren’t expecting it,” Yokozawa crowed, donning a rather self-satisfied smug.
© YOKOZAWA TAKAFUMI NO BAAI 5, CH. 9